Kids Given the Boot- Seek Refuge in School

Busloads of displaced children arrived at local schools today, after parents sent them off to their first day of school. Dazed and confused, the kids walked aimlessly around, searching for new teachers and old friends. The familiarity of home being a distant memory, they sought refuge in the comfort of cafeteria food.

On the other side of town, a different story was unfolding. Whooping and hollering, parents could be seen rejoicing in their new-found freedom. Many took to the streets, dancing and singing. Local police, in riot gear, responded to the disturbance, but no arrests were made. They too joined the celebration, after the realization that the kids were not going to be out causing trouble- at least during the hours between 8am and 4pm. Many say that the celebration will die down, but others contend that it will last until Christmas vacation.

Loch Ness Monster Discovered in Local Quarry

World acclaimed divers, Gary Mattevi and Gina Carlson, announced last week that they had an encounter with a creature akin to the Loch Ness Monster. The pair stumbled upon the beast while diving in Portage Quarry. Because of their quick thinking, they were able to capture a photograph of the monster, as it was surfacing.

Menacing Hoodlums Caught Monkeying Around

Police were called to a disturbance late Saturday afternoon in the 100 block of Fun Avenue, when a couple of crooks tried to steal a cake from a birthday party. Realizing they were about to be caught, the suspects fled, on foot, climbing the numerous inflatables that were on the premises. Jumping into action, the police officers took quick pursuit after the hoodlums, cornering them in the Pin Ball inflatable, causing them to ricochet off a couple of bumpers before plummeting to the bottom of the slide. Officers Sully Carlson, Cody Carlson, and Griffin Carlson, immediately apprehended the suspects. A witness to the mayhem reportedly heard one of the detainees say, "I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids!" All three suspects will be arraigned in court on Monday morning.

Officer Sullivan Carlson takes a well-deserved break after apprehending the suspects.

Officer Cody Carlson lets the crooks know who is #1

*After close investigation of the above photo, Carlson Times can verify that Officer Cody is not making an offensive gesture with a certain finger, but is, in fact, giving the #1 sign.

Officer Griffin leaves the scene on his trusty seal.

Redneck Sleigh Ride

You know you're a Redneck if...

you pull a couple of sleds full of kids around your backyard with your John Deere tractor in the middle of August.

Polka Takes Over the World

When Will Glahe, an accordionist and band leader, recorded ''Beer Barrel Polka'' in 1935, America was hooked on polka. By the late 1940's and early 1950's, Frankie Yankovic, the Polka King, was a household name. In a scene reminiscent to those glorious polka years, Don Mattevi busted out his air accordion and led anyone who could get up out of their seat, in a polka. After all, who can contain themselves when the familiar "Too Fat Polka" and "Who Stole the Kishka?" are blaring full force, and Don Mattevi is leading on his air accordion? I don't know about you, but I'm in!

** Due to technical difficulties with editing equipment, the video uploaded sideways. Instead of complaining about it, simply close your mouth, turn your head to the left, and watch the video.

This Day in History...August 16

1777

The Revolutionary War battle of Bennington, Vermont, was won by Americans.

1829

The original Siamese twins, Eng and Chang, arrived in Boston.

1948

Baseball legend Babe Ruth died in New York City at the age of 53.

1960
Cyprus, the third-largest island in the Mediterranean, became an independent republic.

1962
Algeria was admitted to the Arab League.

1977

Elvis Presley died at Graceland, his Memphis, Tennessee, home, from heart failure.

1997

James Cecil Carlson and Gina Gale De Santis were married in Canton, Ohio.

"This is the Lord's doing; it is marvelous in our eyes." -Psalm 118:23

Exterminators Eradicate Butterfly Infestation

A dramatic population explosion of butterflies led community leaders to enlist the help of exterminators to rid the city of the colorful pests. Butterfly Busters, Sully, Cody, & Griffin Carlson, were quick to respond to the community's call for help, and could be seen sweeping the area, capturing numerous butterflies. Some butterflies proved too speedy for the Busters, and a high speed chase ensued. After all of the culprits were contained, the Butterfly Busters took the pretty critters to a local butterfly house where they could live their final weeks in butterfly paradise.

Boston Celtics Hold Open Tryouts

Basketball hopefuls crowded outside the Boston Gardens arena yesterday as the Celtics hosted open tryouts for the first time in years. Reminiscent of Michael Jordan, one participant was a true stand-out. Performing a gravity-defying slam dunk, Sully Carlson secured his spot on the team, outplaying hundreds of other potential teammates. Carlson was immediately signed to the team on a $27,174,269.99 contract