TruGreen Chemlawn Tries to Make Nice

In an effort to right a wrong, two TruGreen Chemlawn workers scrubbed toys that were sprayed with liquid fertilizer. Although it was a nice gesture, they didn't win any customer service points with this consumer. It was a nice effort though.

CONSUMER ALERT: TruGreen Chemlawn Sprays Childrens' Toys with POISON

TruGreen Chemlawn of Perrysburg, Ohio, may just have it out for our kids. Although they say that it is their policy to move children's toys before spraying the yard, last month they applied dry fertilizer pellets to the grass without moving a thing. After talking with the office manager, the technicians were briefed on their rules. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, we allowed to come back to our property. What a mistake that has proven to be. This morning, liquid fertilizer was sprayed on the grass. After realizing that the company had been to the house, I took a look at our backyard. To my horror, I discovered that the backyard was in as much chaos as it was last night. Wiffle balls, Griffin's shoes, sand buckets, Dakota's little slides....all of them left where they had been before the technician had been there. After I called to cancel the service and share a few words with the office manager for the second month in a row, the branch manager called. He had spoken with our technician who said that he had picked up the toys before spraying and moved them to where he had already sprayed. WOW! He is brilliant! This makes complete sense! Spray LIQUID fertilizer down and set toys in that same spot. They will be completely uncontaminated there! Now, if you haven't noticed my hint of sarcasm yet, then maybe I haven't been laying it on as thick as I should. Just take a look at the pictures of the toys my kids play with laying in liquid fertilizer. Then, pick up the phone, dial TruGreen Chemlawn of Perrysburg, Ohio (419-874-3575 or 1-800-968-LAWN) and cancel the service....unless you want them to poison your kids too.

Assault Suspect in Custody

Cody Carlson (pictured above) was arrested this morning for the assault of Sully Carlson (pictured below) with a light saber. In an allegedly unprovoked attack, Cody hit Sully in the face, knocking out one of Sully's front teeth. Cody is being held, without bond, and will be arraigned on Monday.

Dear Dakota...

Dear Dakota:

Is it proper etiquette to tell someone if they have a little leftover breakfast on their face?

-Facial Faux Pas

Dear Faux Pas:

Yes it is...

Why do you ask?

Dear Dakota...

Dear Dakota:

I want to play football, but I am a girl. People have told me that this will inhibit my ability to show my talent. What do you think?

-Talented Tackler

Dear Tackler:

I have found it in my best interest to do the opposite of what everyone else says. If they say you can't, then I say YOU CAN!! Grab your helmet and meet me on the field!

Gadget Griffin

In an attempt to boost viewership and our ratings, Carlson Times has launched our first Do-It-Yourself webcast, featuring Griffin Carlson. Griffin has proven himself as a top-notch workhorse, with skills ranging from plumbing to power wheel maintenance. So, without further ado, sit back and enjoy the first edition of our own Griffin Carlson on Little Tikes Kitchen Plumbing 101.

Big Steps for Little Feet

Griffin and Cody Carlson took a few big steps toward being liberated adults last week when they boarded the school buses and headed off to school. The pair, on separate buses, went enthusiastically on their way. Their mother, however, was an emotional wreck. Upon their return home, both reassured her that they are big boys now.

New Insight into Daily Eating Habits of T. Rex

Scientists in Arizona have revealed their finding of a Tyrannosaurus Rex with petrified, undigested food contained in the skeletal remains. The discovery confirms earlier beliefs that T. Rex was a meat-eating predator.

Drag Race Ends in Fiery Crash

A drag race held at the Stark County Fairgrounds this weekend nearly turned into tragedy when the two dragsters crashed at the finish line. To the amazement of the spectators, both drivers walked away from the crash by their own power. Both were taken to the medical tent for observation.

The McKinley Monument

The McKinley Monument, located in Canton, Ohio, has 108 steps that lead to the final resting place of our 25th President and his family. After reaching the top of the arduous climb, many are left breathless, too tired to complete the downhill trek to the bottom of the monument. Due to the brilliant design of the architects, this problem was addressed years ago by many a tired visitor.