Timbits Size Up the Competition

Steam rising from the ice can only mean one thing: BGSU HOCKEY! This past Saturday, the Falcons met their biggest challenge yet: The Tim Horton Timbits. Staring down their competition, one couldn't help but feel the intimidation radiating from the blue and white uniforms. Unfortunately for BG, these were no creampuffs. The Timbits took to the ice and crushed the Falcons into powdered sugar.

Dear Dakota...

Dear Dakota:

I heard that daylight savings time was suggested by Benjamin Franklin as a way to eliminate having to burn so many candles. Can you tell me if this is true? The time change is making me feel like I am losing my mind!

-Goofy Griffin

Dear Goofy:

Yes, that is the true origin of daylight savings. I know what you mean about feeling like you are losing your mind. It is such a wacky thing...and I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open!

Dear Dakota:

Dear Dakota:

I have been trying to impress a cute girl in my class. Since we are having our Valentine's Day party at school today, I figured that this is my best shot. Let me tell you, I worked feverishly on a masterpiece that is sure to win her heart...

What do you think? Will this Valentine's box woo my woman over?

-Charismatic Cody

Dear Charismatic:

Although it is clear that you have made a valiant attempt at expressing your love through your art, I am doubtful that this gesture will grasp the attention that you are seeking. Please take my advice: ditch the truck and get your girl some chocolate. I know if someone gave me chocolate, I would be their best friend forever....anyone have any chocolate for dear ol' Dakota???

Carlson Vindicated: Second Place Win Confirmed

Pack 110 held their annual Pinewood Derby last weekend. After winning his 12th race of the day, officials called Sully Carlson back to the garage for an inspection. Because of the top speeds he was reaching, officials were concerned that the car did not meet race specifications. Confirmation came quickly that the car did indeed meet weight and size requirements for the derby race. After the inspection, Sully went on to tie for first place, losing only in the final round. He will appear in the District Finals in March. Sully also won second place last year.

Dear Dakota Writer Featured on Letterman

Carlson Times' own editorial writer was highlighted on Late Night With David Letterman, last night. During the segment called "Stupid Human Tricks," Dakota demonstrated how she can blow bubbles in her cereal milk to the tune of Mamma Mia! Her musical ability so impressed the audience, that music producer, Clive Davis, contacted Dakota following the show. Our sources informed us that Mr. Davis is interested in producing a record, featuring Dakota and her bubble magic. Efforts to reach Mr. Davis were unsuccessful, and Dakota is keeping her lips sealed regarding her musical endeavors. We will keep you informed on this developing story.

Editorial

This is my grandma. She is the most fabulous woman I know. As I read about the story of my friend's grandma who is near death, it brought tears to my eyes as I thought of all of the reasons my grandma means so much to me.

I can remember we would go sledding at their house, in the country. As we were standing on top of the hill, my grandma turned to me and said, "Now, Gina, wait until your sister and I are out of the way before you come down the hill." Obediently, I replied, "Yes, grandma." Well, I succumbed to the excitement of the impending downhill thrill ride. Down I went, taking out my grandma in the process. The laughter that resonates from her as she retells that story makes my heart melt.

Oh- and there was the time that I was riding one of the ponies at their house, Dart. I must have spurred him a little too hard, as that little guy bucked me right off into a pile of horse manure. Well, grandma was sitting in the kitchen, watching through the sliding door. When she saw me flying through the air, she sprang into action- taking out a screen door and hurdling two fences in order to get to me. I don't think I have seen the woman run that fast since. I also take partial responsibility for her having to have two knee replacements!

When I lived in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, during the summers in college, my grandparents came to visit. Along with my great aunt and uncle, they took me up to Calabash, North Carolina, for a nice little seafood dinner. Well, prior to the visit, my grandma had had surgery on her jawbone. In fact, the doctors had replaced her jaw with a gold bar. Because of some nerve damage, my grandmother's face was a bit numb. As we were talking over our shrimp platters, she lifted her glass to drink from a straw. After unsuccessfully trying to find the straw with her lips, she put the glass down. Wouldn't you know it, that straw was stuck up in her nostril- and she had no idea. Oh, what a sight to see! Thankfully, there was no permanent damage!

Thinking about these memories and the many, many more that I don't have time to mention, makes me love my grandma even more. So, as I take this break from the normal sarcastic tone of the Carlson Times, I just want to say a big ol' HEY! to my grandma, whom I love very much.

I will be more sarcastic and less sentimental tomorrow. I promise.

BGSU Hockey Team Falls to Michigan, 1-0

The Falcons fought a valiant fight on Saturday, but were unable to overcome Michigan's offense. Some have been blaming the goalie, but others are pointing their fingers to another cause: distracting fans. You be the judge.

Dear Dakota...

Dear Dakota:

Cold weather is a drag. How do you go about staying warm these days?

-Chilly Charlene

Dear Chilly:

Suck it up girl! We live in northwest Ohio where the winds never cease to blow. Put on your snow gear and get out there and enjoy!

Research Shows Sledding is Very Popular

A report issued by Bowling Green State University revealed that sledding in Northwest Ohio is at an all-time high. With sledding hills in scarce supply in the area, children have been flocking to the few hills available. While it is not clear as to why this useless research was done, it was cool to look at the pictures.

Snow Removal Company Accused of Using Child Labor

The local snow removal company, Snow B Gone, has been accused of using children to do the brunt of their work. With temperatures plummeting to seasonal lows, human rights groups are in an uproar. Messages left for the company were not immediately returned.