A New Perspective on Presidential Race

Political Analyst, Dakota Carlson, appeared on Larry King last night to share her views on the upcoming election. Throughout the discussion, it was apparent that Ms. Carlson did not favor either party's candidates. The interview can be seen in its entirety via the video link below.

Rock Star Makes Public Appearance With Guard Dog

Rocker, Cody C, made an unusual appearance at a benefit on Sunday. Instead of his usual posse, he opted for a vicious guard dog that kept fans at bay. Cody C's latest hits include: "Viva la Ice Cream," "I Pet a Pup," and "It's Totally My Time."

Crowd Gathers to Witness Soccer Sensation

*As hundreds crowded into the stands on Saturday to see Sully Carlson play in an exhibition game, he did not disappoint his loyal fans. The climax of the game happened when Sully used a classic chest trap to stop a ball that was kicked by an attacking midfielder. In a breakaway, he travelled downfield with incredible speed, leaving the defenders in his dust. Using a forward pass, Sully kicked the ball to his teammate. In a great offensive play, his teammate utilized a chip pass to get the ball back to Sully, who had made his way closer to the goal. With the ball in mid-air, Sully demonstrated his great athleticism by using a bicycle kick (when a player kicks the ball in mid-air backwards and over his own head, usually making contact above waist level; an acrobatic shot) to score the game winning goal. After his amazing performance, fans swarmed the player; security guards escorted him safely to the locker room. Sully can next be seen during the upcoming fall season.

*DISCLAIMER: This story has been largely embellished and does not provide actual facts pertaining to Sully Carlson's participation in a soccer tournament on Saturday. In fact, although he did participate in the tournament, his team only won one game. However, even though he didn't win the tourney, his loyal fans: Mommy, Coach Daddy, Cody, Griffin, and Dakota Carlson, were all very proud of the excellent effort and performance of Sully and his teammates.

Jedi Fights to Protect the Republic

The Jedi Order has re-assembled for training as word spreads of a possible Sith uprising. Jedi Masters, Alex and Griffin, were seen perfecting their fighting skills and awaiting deployment to protect the Galactic Republic from falling into the hands of the evil Empire. Earlier in the day, two Jedi starfighters were seen confronting an Imperial Star Destroyer. Reports of the rebuilding of the Imperial Death Star remain unconfirmed, but by the recent gathering and movement of Jedi and Rebel Troopers, an attack appears imminent.

Scientists Focus Research on Alternative Wind Energy

With energy costs at an all time high, scientists are now focusing their efforts, once again, on wind energy. Top researcher, Dakota Carlson, demonstrated the efficiency and cost-effectiveness of this alternative energy that utilizes the power of the wind and the momentum of a pendulum. Scientists are hopeful that, with additional funding, they will be able to implement this new technology in communities that experience high wind speeds.

Free Climber Reaches Mountain Peak

Sully Carlson, almost eight years of age, crushed the previous record for the youngest free climber to reach the peak of Mt. Wannahawkaloogie The boy started his journey on July 20, and reached the peak earlier today. A source close to Sully reported that he is next planning to climb Mt. Manthisisatallmountain.

Drivers Sought in Hit and Run Accident

In what seems like an unbelievable twist of fate, the same car, driven by two different drivers, hit the same pedestrian twice in the same day. Griffin Carlson, while training for a marathon, escaped with minor cuts and bruises. If you have any information on either driver- both caught in photographs by local media- please call CRIMESTOPPERS at 1-800-CATCH-THAT-GUY.

Dear Dakota...

Dear Dakota:

I have been struggling to find a way to make my lips look as scrumptious as yours. Can you give me any tips?

-Lopsided Lips

Dear Lopsided:

My only suggestion to you, aside from a few collagen injections, would be to pucker up. Nothing plumps up the lips like a little lip-smacking exercise. I mean, who can resist lips like these?

Champion Defends Title at Annual Fruit Eating Contest

All eyes were on Griffin Carlson yesterday as the 3rd Annual Fruit Eating Contest got underway. The defending champ held his ground against some of the finest defenders; within one minute's time he had eaten a quart of strawberries and an entire cantaloupe. After the contest, a source informed the Times that Griffin smiled and told his opponents, "Better luck next time!"

Circus Comes to Town

Amazement and awe are just two words to describe the atmosphere at the Barnum & Bailey Circus. The three rings were filled with tigers, elephants, and clowns. Other acts included a tightrope walker, trapeze acrobatics, and the youngest girl to ever act as a human catapult.

Favorable Weather Yields Bountiful Crops

Local farmers, Sully & Cody Carlson, harvested the first of this year's cucumber crop. Sully reported that the perfect mix of rain and sunshine provided favorable conditions for their vegetables. Cody added that not only were they able to pick cucumbers, but soon there will be peppers, squash, and tomatoes to add to the mix. Both were planning on taking their first two cucumbers to market in the morning, where they are sure to get top dollar for the magnificent looking veggies.

Reward Offered

WANTED

IN THE COUNTY OF WOOD

For: Excessive smiling and uncontrollable laughter.

REWARD: $1,000,000

I Caught a Fish and it was THIS BIG...

The favorable weather brought out fishermen from near and far to the Salt Fork Lake Region earlier this week. Although the fish were not as hungry as the fisherman were, there were a few caught, including one bluegill and one very long stick.

PBA Tournament Rolls Through Bowling Green

The Professional Bowler's Association is sponsoring a junior tournament. The finest bowlers that the sport has to offer displayed their skills today. At the end of the first day's games, the Leader Board was:

Sully Carlson: 73

Cody Carlson: 67

Griffin Carlson: 59

The tournament resumes tomorrow with action that should be up any bowling fan's alley.

Rock Band Begins Tour

Three Men and a Lady, a cover band for the '70s rock band, Queen, took to the road Saturday to start the beginning of their Appalachian tour. After a brief concert in Cambridge, Ohio, the four continued on to Kimbolton, Ohio, where they performed for a private venue. For a complete tour schedule, visit www.iwanttoseethreemenandaladyinconcertreallybad.com

Suspected Bootleggers Picked Up in Hazzard County

Sully and Cody Carlson were picked up while driving through Hazzard County on Wednesday. Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane reported that the two boys were caught speeding and could possibly be facing bootlegging charges. Hazzard Mayor, J.D. Hogg, reported that the two are suspected of running a moonshine operation just outside of town. Representatives for the Carlson boys could not be immediately reached.

Buy One Pair, Get One Pair Free!

Glasses R Us is having a huge blowout sale on frames. From now until Saturday, buy one pair and get a second pair absolutely free! Choose from various designer frame selections!

Toledo Zoo Adds New Exhibit

The Toledo Zoo proudly opened its newest exhibit today, showing off a pair of walruses. Lines sprawled out for over a mile as visitors anxiously awaited a glimpse of the animals. Zoo employees reported that this is the most excitement they have been able to generate since the birth of baby elephant Louie. There is no doubt that this exhibit will be bringing smiles for many years to future generations.