Dear Dakota...

Dear Dakota,

I have noticed that my skin has been a bit on the rough side lately. Do you have any advice on how I can get back that soft, smooth, baby skin that I once had?

-Relentlessly Rough

Dear Rough,

Scaly skin is tough to handle. Don't be fooled by all of the so-called remedies they sell at the stores. My advice is to exfoliate with sand. If you don't have access to a beach, any old sandbox will do. After about a week of daily treatments, you should start seeing some results- I know I did!

Huge Waves Bring Huge Rides and Smiles

Surfers gathered last week to take advantage of the waves. The beautiful weather and "rough and tumble" water combined to provide the ultimate riding conditions. Avid surfers, Sully, Cody, and Griffin Carlson, all gave a big "thumb's up" after catching what Sully said was "an awesome wave." These waves were not for novices, however, leaving many with water up their noses and sand in their britches.

Couple Accused of Stalking Nascar Driver

James & Gina Carlson, of Perrysburg, Ohio, were arrested on Sunday upon stalking allegations. The two were released on a $5 bond and proceeded to track down the #18 M&M race car driven by Kyle Busch. They then eluded police and are now thought to be heading for South Carolina.

Scouts Help Mudhens Celebrate Their 185th Sellout

The Toledo Mudhens celebrated their 185th sellout with a win over the Syracuse Chiefs. The celebration was completed with fireworks and a Boy Scout campout in the outfield. The Scouts showed exemplory behavior with a bedtime of 12:30 am and a wake up call at 6:30 am. To top off an excellent adventure, the Scouts, and their very tired parents, were woken up to the soothing sounds of Guns 'N Roses' Welcome to the Jungle.

Knight in Shining Armor Saves the Day

What would you do if you were travelling down the interstate highway at an unspecified speed, with four children in the back of the truck, and someone pulled up next to you, honked, and motioned that you had a flat tire? Would you panic? Would your heart start racing? Most people would freak out and maybe say a few unmentionable words. Not this Carlson Times writer- I kept my cool. Okay, okay. Maybe I freaked out a little bit. A witness (who happens to be the oldest son of this writer) woke up, as he had dozed off, when he heard his mother shout "Shoot!" Well, maybe he had a little wax in his ears or was still a little bit groggy, but it was something to that effect. I have to say that I have been in my share of car accidents- and I would never admit guilt to causing any of them- but those were a walk in the park. At least when you hit a car, your car comes to a complete stop. When you blow a tire, the car develops a mind of its own and you are just kind of along for the ride. For those of you who know me, you know I drive a pretty big truck, a Ford Excursion at that. They just don't make them any bigger. Well, when it was all said and done, there we were, safe, sitting on the side of the road with one really flat tire and an almost dead cell phone. Good thing we still had enough juice to call none other than the Editor in Chief of the Carlson Times, my knight in shining armor, James C. Carlson. Upon hearing the news of his beautiful wife's strife, he dropped everything and headed out to the rescue. An hour and a half later, we had four cranky, hungry kids, one spare tire on the truck, and great Carlson Times material.

Pacifiers Linked to Fatigue

The American Academy of Pediatrics has issued its findings that pacifiers may cause fatigue in children. The study provided one child with two placebo pacifiers and another child with two real pacifiers and lasted for five minutes. After reviewing their results, the Academy came to the conclusion that giving a child two pacifiers greatly increases the chance of them falling asleep...anywhere.

Ancient Catacomb Civilization Unearthed

Archaeologists digging at an undisclosed site discovered a series of catacombs dating back to 300 A.D. Writings on the catacomb walls provide little insight to the type of people who inhabited the area, so researchers are left only to speculate.

Sea Monster Sighting

The Coast Guard was on the look-out Monday afternoon after sailers reported seeing a sea monster. The monster was described as being approximately 41 inches in height with big blue eyes. After further investigation, it was determined that the sea monster was merely Griffin Carlson taking an afternoon swim.

Summer Fassion Trends

If you want to be sleek and stylish this summer ladies, then put away all those frumpy clothes and be free! Our fassion editor, Dakota Carlson, let us know that, without a doubt, less is better this season. She was quoted as saying "Why let excessive clothing put a damper on my diaper? With legs like these, I just can't go wrong!"

Sesame Street Hires New Cookie Monster

In an attempt to boost ratings, Sesame Street has hired a new Cookie Monster. Sully Carlson took over the position just this week and the crew had been working non-stop to prepare for the upcoming season. Unfortunately, taping had to be postponed on Friday because Sully reportedly ate all of the cookie props. Sully denied the allegations.

Old Friends

Words & music by paul simon

Old friends,

Old friends

Sat on their park bench

Like bookends.

A newspaper blown though the grass

Falls on the round toes

Of the high shoes
Of the old friends.

Old friends,

Winter companions,

The old men

Lost in their overcoats,

Waiting for the sunset.

The sounds of the city,

Sifting through trees,

Settle like dust

On the shoulders

Of the old friends.

Can you imagine us

Years from today,

Sharing a park bench quietly?

How terribly strange

To be seventy.

Old friends,

Memory brushes the same years

Silently sharing the same fears

Team USA Hockey Takes the Ice

In preparation for the 2010 Winter Olympics, Team USA got a little ice time on Tuesday evening. This "Miracle Team" is not only expected to represent the United States with honor, but to bring home the gold.

Man Attacked At Park

James Carlson was attacked at City Park by a group of wild and crazy children. Witnesses say that Mr. Carlson provoked a young girl, identified as Dakota Carlson. After her two older brothers saw what was happening, they jumped to her aid. Onlookers were able to break up the raucous. No injuries were reported.

Not a Blazing Inferno

Firefighters were called to a home with reports of a raging fire, burning out of control. Expecting a five alarm blaze, additional fire departments and the police were called in to assist. Arriving on the scene within minutes, police and fire officials were met with sparklers and smoke bombs. Cody Carlson, pictured above, appeared to be the instigator of the fun and mischief. After a full investigation into the fun that was being had, police stated that no charges would be filed.